Hey gang,

Luckily, America was nice enough to schedule the presidential debate on Tuesday this week instead of Thursday. Thanks for listening, country! See, everybody? Emailing suggestionbox@usa.biz “don’t debate on Thursday or I’m gonna make the President eat a bomb” five times a week really works. The most important thing is to say the word “bomb” so that they know to pay attention.

And just like the candidates, Gabe Liedman, Jenny Slate and I are going negative this week. VERY negative. “Jenny, you never wear diapers!” See what I did there? I am using lies to discredit her.

Also being smeared this week:

CHRIS GETHARD (Weird NJ, Nights of Our Lives)
PETE HOLMES (The New Yorker, VH1, Comedy Central)
JOE MANDE (Best Week Ever, 23/6)
BOBBY TISDALE (Invite Them Up)
CLAIRE TITELMAN (in from LA; American Pie: Band Camp)

As always, super fun party afterwards! Pickletinis and back rubs and chill tunes. Don’t miss it!

Thursday, October 9nd 2008 @ 8pm
Sound Fix Records
110 Bedford Ave., at N. 11th St.
Brooklyn, NY 11211 (Map)
Free!

[RSVP on Facebook]

Senior year of college, my friend Nick and I liked to to eat lunch at a diner called Louis three, four times a week. So did the electronic music grad students. Another thing the electronic music grad students liked was talking about electronic music. We made lots of jokes about them to ourselves, even though I’m positive some are now doing very cool things. Also, when I say “lots of jokes” I mean the only joke we’d ever make was imagining that their only suggestions for one another’s work was always “Needs..more..LASER NOISES!” It is a tenet of electronic music that there is no such thing as too many lasers noises.

Anyhoo, lasers are great, and there is now a website called Laser Portraits that lets users submit grade school portraits featuring laser backgrounds. I (don’t) smell book deal! But it’s a great excuse for me to post my own laser portrait. I am the smuggest scientist ever. Notice this has both lightning (nature) and laser grids (science). My pair of stone washed jeans with an elastic waistband is the philosopher’s stone, basically.

Before I post this week’s Best Night Ever, I thought I would tell you about the most amazing phone conversation I’ve ever had. I just got a call from a Blocked Number. I picked up and said hello and a very loud and young-sounding female voice answered.

“IS THIS MAX SILVESTRI?”
“Yes.”
“I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE BEST WEEK EVER PODCAST.”
“Who is this?”
(long pause) “A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT FROM (SOMETHING SOMETHING).”
“Okay..”
“I AM DOING A QUESTION FOR MY COMMUNICATIONS BROADCAST CLASS.”
“Okay…”
“IS THE SCREEN YOU ARE PERFORMING IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN OR A BLUE SCREEN?”
“A green screen.”
“THANK YOU.”
Click.

Incredible. I hope she gets an A+ on her green screen exposé. I love it.

On that note, here’s VH1’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday September 30th. It does not live up to the story above.

Hi friends,

Major conflict here. Big Terrific is this Thursday, but so is the vice presidential debate! Gabe and Jenny and I can’t cancel the show, because each week we make Sound Fix over ten dollars and they *need* us. But we called and asked, and the networks said they can’t cancel the debates either. Jerks. So that puts us in quite a pickle. (And what I mean by that is there are two towels like twenty feet apart on some grass, and Joe Biden is on one of them and Sarah Palin is on the other and they are throwing a tennis ball back and forth while Gabe & Jenny and I try to run from towel to towel without getting tagged.) (That joke is only funny if you grew up in the suburbs, and even then it’s not a knockout.)

We really want you to come to the show, so we’ve gone into the future and transcribed the debate so that you don’t have to miss it. Here’s the entire thing:

GWEN IFFIL: Hey guys, thanks for stopping by. Chill! We only have a few minutes so let’s get ‘bate things rolling.

SEN. JOE BIDEN: Word.

GOV. SARAH PALIN: Flapjacks.

GWEN IFFIL: First question. If Babe Ruth were playing today, how would he fare against modern day pitch—wait, this just in. I just received word that America has no more money and that China now owns us.

SEN. JOE BIDEN: This reminds me of a quote from my favorite movie. “Forget it, Gwen. It’s Chinatown.”

GOV. SARAH PALIN: What’s a movie?

[FIN]

There you have it. No need to watch the debate now. So come to the show and get all your questions answered, questions such as “Why was Glen Iffil being so casual?” and “Where’d you get a time machine?” This week brings us:

AZIZ ANSARI (MTV’s Human Giant)
ARJ BARKER (Dave on Flight of the Conchords)
JACK KUKODA (writer for The Onion News Network)
MATT MCCARTHY (Live at Gotham, the cable guy on those Verizon FiOS commercials)
PATRICK BORELLI (presenting the 6th season of The Wire, live. You will not want to miss this.)

And of course, your stuffed plush hosts: Gabe Liedman, Jenny Slate, and me, Max Silvestri!

Thanks for coming to these shows and being so nice about it. You guys are the best.

Thursday, October 2nd 2008 @ 8pm
Sound Fix Records
110 Bedford Ave., at N. 11th St.
Brooklyn, NY 11211 (Map)
Free!

RSVP on Facebook!

I and a bunch of other comedians SOUNDED OFF on the crappiness of Wall Street in this installment of Comedy Central’s Weekly Evil, a video series that is like if Best Week Ever was entirely negative. No, really, it’s funny.

I’m the black one.

We’re changing the format of the podcasts over at VH1’s BestWeekEver.tv, and I think they are now over 5% funnier. So you should watch it twice? Thanks in advance.

That video featured a cameo by the lovable Brian Faas. Conveniently, I also appeared in his podcast Monday night. So watch that too! If you’re a superfan. You’re the best.

Hey buddies,

We need something to take our mind off this financial crisis. I hope the market gets bullish again! Or bearish. I am not sure which is better. In a fight, a bull would win, but I’d rather own a bear. That is good advice on how to invest. You’re welcome. Please mail me a check written out to cash. All I’m saying is that if I had been in charge of Lehman Brothers I would have done things very differently. I would have gathered all the VPs in a room and been like, “OK, guys, as you know, I am the president of this company. But I know exactly nothing about financial services, so we are converting our entire portfolio to just eating pizza.” And then one VP would be all, “But the board needs to vote to approve that!” And then I’d be like, “What’s a board? I’m BORED of you working here. You’re fired.” Because leadership is all about setting an example.

For more sage-like advice, come out to Big Terrific this Thursday for another exciting free show. We’ve got a doozy this week.

ROGER HAILES (writer for Best Week Ever, the Chappelle Show, Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham)
HANNIBAL BURESS (Comedy Central, Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)
JESSI KLEIN (The Showbiz Show, Best Week Ever, Comedy Central)
KUMAIL NANJIANI (featured on this past week’s Saturday Night Live)
TOM MCCAFFREY (Comedy Central, just released a new album)

And as always, we’ve got the sensual power couple Gabe & Jenny and me, sensual loner Max Silvestri.

Thursday, September 25th @ 8pm
Sound Fix Records
110 Bedford Ave, at N. 11th St
Brooklyn, NY 11211 (Map)
Free!

Stay organized. RSVP to this on Facebook.

Finally, The Emmy’s. The Colbert Report writers, among them my old pal Frank Lesser, just won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Program. Well deserved. Help them celebrate by watching Frank and I redefine humor together.

The two funniest things I’ve seen this week:

1. Gabe Delahaye’s Brokeback Mountain alternate ending fan fiction. The whole world should read this. Shit would end wars. Or start them? I forget.

2. The new episode of 23/6 and David Rees’s Get Your War On about Sarah Palin and the rape kits. Jon Glaser is genius with the little details.

Let’s play “What’s Wrong Right With This Picture”:

Garrett’s Mystery Girl Identified

Latest: The identity of Brad Garrett’s secret girlfriend has been revealed, just days after the actor launched a new online dating show in an attempt to find love following his divorce.

The Everybody Loves Raymond star insisted he had grown tired of living the single life since his split from wife Jill Diven last year, and has spent the summer screening female applicants for his upcoming web show Dating Brad Garrett.

The actor came under fire soon after announcing his plans for the show, when he was photographed enjoying the company of a woman reported by the New York Post to be Lisa Gores - a major figure in the high-profile court case against celebrity private investigator Anthony Pellicano.

The alleged couple has been seen in New York and Los Angeles since March, reportedly keeping their relationship under wraps amid allegations the show was a mere publicity stunt.

As WENN went to press, a lawyer for Gores said she could not be reached.

And a spokesman for Garrett has refused to dismiss the claims, telling the New York Post: “I don’t comment on Brad’s personal life.”

[IMDb]

Whoops, it was a trick! There is nothing right with this. At all. Everything is wrong.